My sweet, precious little one,
My thoughts are with you today. You see, August 8, 2012 was your due date.
(just days before the miscarriage began)
My heart is still very sorrowful over losing you. You, just like your sisters and brother, were wanted. Letting go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I was told that your daddy and I were very blessed to have never experienced a miscarriage before as it is a common experience. And we were.
We learned that 30% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Did it make losing you any easier? No, not really. The difference between knowledge and life experience is a vast gulf.
It was a journey I never thought that I would have to take. My prior pregnancies had all been relatively smooth ones. It was because of you, dear one, that I was reminded of how fragile and priceless the miracle of conception and birth really is.
However, I was extremely thankful that I did not have to walk it alone. Your daddy was there by my side throughout each decision.
He held me in his arms as I sat sobbing in the living room the night we lost you. Later that same day, we both cried in the doctor’s office as we faced the decision of a D and C. It broke my heart to see your daddy cry. He loved you.
I wish that you could have known him. He’s the best daddy in the world. He’s tall and has dark curly hair that he hates and I love. Your daddy has absolutely the prettiest brown eyes. I just get lost in them-they are that dreamy. He also sings and plays the piano and he uses these gifts every day as the music pastor at our church. He loves the Lord with all of his heart and works very hard to serve Him to the best of his ability every. single. day. All in all, your father is a special man and I am blessed more than I deserve to have him in my life.
I don’t even know where to begin with your sisters and brother. They are such a silly little crew.
Bunny (that’s just her nickname -your daddy’s dubbed all of his kiddos with fitting nicknames at their birth or shortly after) is our dreamer. She is a very creative gal and extremely competitive. She hates to lose -at anything. She loves music but hates to practice the piano. As far as looks, she looks like her daddy but has dirty blonde hair and blue eyes like me. Bunny is a true sweetheart that is rapidly turning into a mature little lady.
Next in the line up is Fuzz. This sister is a literal hoot. She makes me laugh every day. We gave her the middle name of Joy (after a dear friend of mine in college and also because we just liked it) and never has a name been more fitting. Fuzz makes you smile with all of her antics. She flashes those big blue eyes at you and you’re a goner. Fuzz is blessed with her father’s brown curly hair and her Papaw’s dimples. She is also interested in music and is an extremely inquisitive child. Fuzz is a thinker, no doubt about it. I look forward to seeing the bright and godly young lady that she will become.
Then Zip came along…in a very big hurry. She’s a tiny little wisp of a girl. She can be very quiet and very loud. She has been our one and only (I hope) screamer. Thankfully that attempted stage is behind us. (Whew!) Zip is the spitting image of her daddy but with my coloring- very fair with white blond hair and blue eyes. She’s our thumb-sucking cutie and would snuggle with someone all day long if she could. Zip is sadly leaving the toddler years behind and turning into an energetic, creative little girl.
Last of all, there’s Pop. Where do I even begin with this kid?! We were blessed last year with our first bundle of blue. What a difference- ha! After three girls, a little boy has been a ton of fun. And let me tell you, he is ALL boy. Pop has all of the grunts, “motor” sounds, and noises that naturally comes with boys. It makes me laugh to watch him play and explore. He takes everything full-speed ahead and plows over anything in his path. He’s a rough and tumble kind of guy. He, like Fuzz, looks like Mommy’s side of the family but has Daddy’s coloring. Pop’s definitely a charmer. I eagerly anticipate the days and years ahead of watching him develop into a young man.
And then there was you.
And me. I would tell you all about me, but we’ve talked before, haven’t we? Three months of bonding may not seem like much to some, but when taken in perspective, it truly was a lifetime. It was yours.
When I began this post six months ago, it was hard. It was really, really hard. I could only write a little at a time. My heart was breaking over the countless things I’d lost: watching my tummy grow with you, catching a brief look of your little face on the ultrasound- you know, a foretaste of what’s to come, feeling every precious twist, turn and hiccup that would merely be gentle reminders of the life I was nurturing, your birth story, that first glimpse of your sweet face, seeing you smile, holding my nose through all your messy diapers, hearing your baby chatter, kissing you good night, holding you tight and simply saying -I love you.
The peace of God and the love of my family have been a tremendous comfort to me these past few months. I still have days that are filled with tears,like today, but knowing that you are strong and healthy now makes my sadness lessen. I sorrow for my loss not for your gain, wee one.
Some may not understand the pain of losing a baby. And I understand that too. I’ve been there. But by the divine and all-knowing hand of God, I now comprehend the grief of miscarriage. While I may not have been blessed to know you face to face,…
Baby Pop- 2011
….I know you in my heart.
I love you forever and for always.